On the nature of ambition, and the frivolity of being remembered

I swear, the closer I get to that book launch date (July 31, 2017), the more nervous I get about everything. And yes, I know, some people will say that I’m just experiencing jitters – but that’s not it. I am seriously nervous, more than I should be, about my book launch. It doesn’t help that the world is outright depressing right now – the news to be specific – is depressing as shit.

The nerves have been so bad, I haven’t even written anything on this blog right here. Hence me, right now, forcing myself to write something, anything, for the blog. I made a commitment that I’d write on here – and I’m going to follow through. Everything else be damned!

There’s going to be days – like today – when there is NO inspiration. When there are no epiphanies that happen out of nowhere or sparks that’ll make me want to write out of nowhere. It’s not just the blog, it’s also my novels. It’s the same way with that: Some days, there’s nothing that flows through. Other days, it’s like trying to drink water out of a fire-hydrant.

Don’t Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won if he’d stuck it out.
Don’t give up, though the pace seems slow –
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out –
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are –
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit –
It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit.

~ The poemDon’t Quit” was originally titled “Keep Going” and was published by Edgar A. Guest. [Source]

There’s going to be days when I wonder why I’m even here – trying to start something that has little to no chance of succeeding (9/10 start-ups fail within the first year, right?): There are nights when I can’t help but think that maybe I should just leave all of this be and get a 9 to 5 job and fade into obscurity… but the very thought of that is even more terrifying. To be working, staring at a ceiling, or a computer screen all day, every day, for the rest of my life until I’m ready (and/or able) to retire. Fluorescent lighting, and the humdrum of office tasks flooding every facet of life until retirement, oh what an exciting life! Sign me up! [Sarcasm]

Now, before you go in the comments and try to lecture me about the ethics of work, and the principle of personal responsibility… know this: I am not opposed to working 9-5; it’s just that – when I can get out, I most certainly will without any hesitation. I just can’t fathom it being the only thing I do until the day I retire.

“Nobody on his deathbed ever said, “I wish I had spent more time at the office.”” ~ Paul Tsongas

I mean it, it’s no joke for me – the thought that when I’m gone from this world (make no mistake, every one of us will die, right?) that there will be nothing to remember me by other than an Instagram feed, a facebook profile for the deceased, a few blog entries, and just some ashes scattered to the wind… that shit is f**king terrifying.

“If you want your name to be remembered after your death either do something worth writing or write some thing worth reading.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

That quote by Lincoln is something I came across in high school, a long time ago. It still stirs up something within me, just as it did all those years ago. I’ve resolved myself to the fact that It’s doubtful that I’ll ever do something worth writing about in my lifetime. That’s the reason I resolved to write at the age of 15 in the first place, in fact. Not every day is going to be fantastic. In fact, there will be days where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong; but… as long as you’re left alive, there’s always tomorrow. So try not to get yourself killed, and you should be fine.

I’m nervous about the book coming out in two days. I’m uncertain about what the future holds for book-2 ( the first draft is already written), and I’m wondering what I should do about book-3 (half of the first draft was written until I decided to scrap it and write it again). All I can do at this point is to breathe, and tell myself that one way or another it will work out and be okay.

I think I’ll stop here for today, folks.

Until next time!

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